I get that way. I don't know what it is, this thing that keeps me from going past that one step and actually doing it.
Ironically, it could be the teachings that suicide is the ultimate mortal sin put into my head by the same Catholic Church that created the situation that made me suicidal in the first place.
Even on Earth terms, suicide would be unforgivable to my child. My daughter would go through the rest of her life tormented if I killed myself, and that's probably the main thing that's prevented me from doing it, ironic again, because it was when my daughter turned five that I remembered being raped by a priest at age five, forty years earlier.
I sometimes go to such a low place, it really feels at that time that suicide is the only way out. When it’s over you tell yourself, next time I’ll remember how good you feel when you get to the other side, and stop the mania right there on the spot.
But when you are in the middle of it, you almost can’t stop it-
I call them Episodes.
I had another one the other day. It just starts with me getting stuck on a phrase, and you keep repeating it until it becomes the whole world, all you can think or feel. This is the one I've been getting stuck on lately:
My job is so isolating, it’s bad for a healthy person to be isolated like this, let alone someone who’s already emotionally deranged like me. The isolation on my job is causing my illness worse and it’s the illness that caused me to take this kind of isolating work in the first place.
And There's No Way Out!!!!!
Oh how muddled we can get.
Have to go back to the fantasy. I'm not isolated, I'm working on a space station, connected to Earth via Internet and the Space Shuttle that brings me meals on wheels five days a week.
I mean, Meals on Warp Ion Driven lightspeed transport device.
The phrases that would run in my head over and over have gotten much more benevolent, when you think about it. A few years, even months, back, the drone said:
You're useless, you have no value, no one wants you around, you make people disgusted, just hide, stay away, because you are inherently awful and everyone sees it and is repelled by you.
It's horrible saying that to yourself.
Somehow I have stopped, probably because I started City of Angels...